Between Struggle and Liberation Death Wins.

Sometimes I doubt the veracity of the word  liberation. I have seriously started doubting it since I have been living my life on my own. And I am becoming pretty much averse to those people who claim them to be a guarantor of liberation. I strongly feel that this very word called 'liberation' is a sham. Every now and then what I see is only struggle and no liberation. I am not an expert on these two subjects. Yes I would call these two words  as subjects because we have kept on discussing this since time immemorial; rather since the advent of Eve and Adam. I again seriously doubt whether Eve and Adam had even an iota of liberation after they made out. And then the whole Pandora's box came into existence and we as a human race have been struggling every moment.

Let me site few examples of this 21st century where struggle is the only way of life. Nothing more and nothing less. While fagging outside my office every time I see big cars stuck in traffic and all of them are struggling with the small ones.

So here goes struggle versus liberation. Which one came first? Which one is perennial and which one is temporary? Liberation or struggle? Coming out from mother's womb... is it struggle or liberation? While coming out is always a struggle and when we come out it is like a Reward and Recognition world. It is akin to 'Rat is Recognized Race', according to me. Struggle actually is in human genes from America to Africa. The only difference could be in the magnitude but struggles are permanent wherever you are. Breathing, catharsis, walking, eating, sex and what not. It all comes after struggling and when we get it we confuse those with liberation. But it is actually not.

Death is an absolute truth. I underwent a struggling time few months back. A boy is born out from her mother's womb and he is a thalassemia  patient by birth. I sometimes feel that injustice does not only exist here but also there where we bow down every time when we are in a problem. These lingering questions really saddens me and unlike before I give it a thought and move on getting busy with my own life. I some times loathe about being me.
I do question my self the way I am,my reactions towards people who need attention and support but I have to succumb before helplessness. I am totally convinced now that there would be so many questions unanswered and I too will be finally liberated absolutely one day.

Between you and me.

Every Human is a live poem in them.

So Do I need to mention that you, I and all are a poem in ourselves?

Long one though like a story, some start and flicker in a moment like

A new born baby’s death. Some repeating and never repenting till their

Death which tends to happen every day but those poems are oblivion of identity.

But the state of crisis for a while can be a poem in itself and a poem for

 many. Thoughts and feelings called wallowed meanderings are also a poem because it is

Us who do it.   Sweat and Tears are a poem too; they are rather facets of life called coin because

A coin makes sound when it falls like us.

Poems can be heartening or disgusting, depends on tendencies of mere moods and whims,

Fancies and lust nonetheless. Tragedies and co-incidence are also like poem quite

Similar to escape and break away from it.  It is us who compose it. As poems are written by us.

Shanghai syndrome and its after-effects over me.♋

Many of you would consider me as lecherous to the core, but I don’t have any sort of shame or regret. I have heard this ♋ position is great while having sex. But one can juxtapose ♋ in many ways in their lives. Let’s say when director's movie hits at box office must be having the same feeling of having sex @ ♋ position. Like wise it's true for one and all not only in sex but in every aspect; be it career, relationships, bonding etc. In a nutshell ♋ is quite symbolic in N number of ways for N number of folks. And the motive behind writing this piece of shit is that I being an alumnus of The great university of India have experienced fierce talks and discussions for days, though many times and they were inconclusive. And recently I watched a movie named “Shanghai” which actually answered those inconclusive questions of my alma-mater. But those ghosts aka questions still haunt me and I am almost sleepless for the past three days. This movie actually shows the aspirations of many and millions who not only want but are a part of the the rat race called the revered U.P.S.C exam and I am no exception. Even I echoed  the same feelings which all rats have. I have given up now God!!

Please spare me now. I want to die but not like them (Chhattisgarh SP’s). I can give up or can pull up. Who the hell are you to stop me? So this movie called "Shanghai" made me understand that system does exist but its parasite exists which actually feeds on this society. Sad one but this is the real face of it. And since I want to be powerful more than them, I need to do something not so nicer than them. Well I cannot be a naxalite. They too are a good lot of human beings nor can I run an N.G.O who would be like limping, gasping for every breath called money.

So why not be powerful not only in words but in true sense where words and actions are akin to ♋. Where public servants are being forcefully made to do ♋ or sold out and spectators aka politicians seek pleasure out of it.

Well my class is different though. I would not ever do what Abhay Deol did as for me it would not be a matter of guts and glory and more over why should I die so young?  Albeit he did not die in the movie so it was good unlike other life called movies. I feel life has shrieked into all this do’s called bull shit and don’ts called holy shit. Though it’s not pious at all. But to hell with the system. Should I be overjoyed about it or write epitaphs about it. Latter is better. I need to shun so many small things for my sweet heart called ♋. Just now one amongst the planet’s animal bit me at the cusp of my hands and arm and you know what I did? I simply crushed that pity animal and this is the practice of our entire system. Poor people are crushed. So get up baby!! It’s high time for all of us regardless of your education to do something ♋ types or else somebody would keep banging you and you would be like a mute spectator seeking unwanted pleasure out of pain. So get up and start doing something worth. Merely reading this shit would not help a bit. Be it a change from outside or from inside.

De-Su-cide

I have experienced quite a few demise in my life time but this one was really heart touching. Albeit he did not die after his long back nurtured dream crashed one after another, he could not cope with it and finally he succumbed to his unfortunate fate, the word which was his forte once upon a time. And after going through all this I felt that my alter-ego has died inside me and now I feel uneasy every moment in whatever I do. May be it is my fate. Even I am destined not to have even the smallest of pleasures. Really tragedy is like an act of ambush where you do not have any way out for escape. My friend was a revolutionary since his childhood. (He still is because friendship would not ever die). Since I came down to Bangalore we used to meet quite frequently and he used to express his Utopian dreams about so many good things. Be it social, political or any good move. He is a true revolutionary. But bonded by his family and his relatives, somewhere he gets weak about all this; that is why he hates all relationships except for love and friendship. He is such a great person. He should be doing the show of "Satyamev Jayate" not Aamir khan who is a con but since he is an actor he knows the nerves of India. Yes he said so that he studied in the best university. I too have studied. "Charity actually begins from JNU and not from home." I got to know that. He never wanted to go into U.P.S.C exams but his dad was fixated about it. Although he did not pursue it, he had no regrets about it till now. On the contrary I wanted it so I much that my dad cries more than me. Well I do write in my pieces called "my blogs" where I actually shit quite often. I do regret about it. My friend was suffering from a different syndrome about which I was in oblivion. But he is an iron man. I have seen him through his thick and thin. Few broken relationships, no scholarships and many more. Any one would have been broken with all these unfated rewards. He left everything and started moving towards his home town but there was a news where he was selected for a new job in a foreign country but he was not that elated. May be because of time I feel. He went and came back and some how in 2009 that project did not come out and he was fired and he was jobless. I spent many days with him. He was balanced and he actually seemed to be pedantic. He fell and rose every time. But he was never happy with all this. May be life is just not about mere formalities. It's about give and take. Though he had many relationships but almost all were in toss. Finally he got a job though the salary was less than what he got in ex company but that guy never complained. I still do not understand what he was up to. Job or some thing else. And one day I got a call from another friend that he has been hospitalised and when I met him he was crying regretting all his destined past. He even tried to commit suicide not once but twice. When I asked the reason he just said that "Two failed relationships, parents' expectation plus mine took a toll on my life". I feel saddened because if it. That friend still writes and talks about suicide though but I feel in the corner he is not happy but more of a depressed kind. I feel he breathes just for the heck of it. His life is no more a kaleidoscope. He still cries for his rescue and probably he seeks one. Last day what I saw was no different; he still regrets about it.

2 years 11 months and 28 days...

And finally I did it after 2 years 11 months and 28 days, I was in my home town “The historical silk city" Bhagalpur”. I had to go little bit of travails while travelling to Bhagalpur but when I am writing this piece I feel it was worth it. While travelling I boarded a spice jet flight for the city of joy. I was little or more tipsy as I am scared of flying so just to ward off my fear I had vodka swigs. Like a professional I took out my laptop and tried to finish my office work but thanks to vodka ,it actually did hit my nerves and I entered wrong password thrice and it got locked and because of vodka my work has not been finished yet and it gave me lots of pain not only in Bhagalpur but wherever I went like my shadow ghost. Finally I reached Bengaluru airport and I was waiting for security check. Although I had to board spice jet flight but I took an Indigo flight tag and fasten into my bag and my security check was successful. Thanks to the security check otherwise I would have missed my flight because for the first time I fastened Jet air ways tag in my bag but because of the alert security personnel I had to go back and redo this process. I was standing in a queue and saw a girl who had to board the same flight and vodka broke the ice between us and we started talking,exchanged our numbers and finally boarded the flight. Although we did not sit together. I got an emergency exit window seat and a beautiful air hostess asked me about the emergency exit evacuation process and I sniggered at her ( I am feeling sorry about her because she was really nice because while returning from Kolkata I met her again in the flight and I wanted to have coffee but I had no change and I told her and she served me coffee for free). Finally landed in Kolkata and it was a very pleasant stay with my girl friend’s parents except for the city’s sultry weather which was unbearable. I had a great Bengali dinner and one thing I found very peculiar about bong community that while they serve food they do it in a phased manner. They donot keep all food on table. Its more like a card game where you have to keep guessing “what next”. I was also clueless about the menu but I ate a lot. Though I claim myself to be a foodie but my girl friend outrightly rejects this claim. Also had a chance to meet my sister in law Googly (bitch,yes she is a bitch) and her son Z (adorable dog) I loved them. They are so pampered that I had to sleep without A/C and they slept in an A/C room. Well Its all ones fate. Finally I reached Howrah station where one of my junior was waiting for long. Actually we had a beer plan but I was late so we could not make it. It was so hot that I had to change my jeans. Also I did not have confirmed ticket but somehow I boarded the second class compartment and managed to sit. I felt pretty nice sitting in second class and I started remembering my best days of my life at JNU. I used to return back in vacation in second class only. Little did I curse myself for all those diseased lifestyle which I have been following. At last reached Bhagalpur , the city which gave me everything right from air which I breathe and I grew up ,basic education which was like back bone for my development, great friends whom I still count on and the most important thing the small town mentality which differentiates me from everyone and the hunger to go beyond anything and everything. I met my dad and I felt that he have become older in this 3 years span. I missed him all these years because he is still my best friend whether I made it or not I always consulted him albeit in high spirits. I think I am wrong and there would not be any justification about it. Selfless relationships are like farce these days but this one is the sad truth. I really felt bad but somewhere as I was addicted which my parents were oblivion about. Tear drops like an ounce or two rolled down but helpless I was and still I am while writing this. I am still wondering whether there is any life beyond anything called life which is not plastic. What is pain all about and its feeling which stings every one and all. My mom!! “ The iron lady of our home” cried while hugging me. I was also moved little bit. After meeting them I went inside my “Puja room”(kind of room where God’s and deities pictures are kept and also Grand pa’s and mom’s pictures). I laughed out loud when I saw Nirmal baba’s picture in that room. He is a religious serial fraud though. I told my parents and my dad knew about him and he was laughing at mom. I met my youngest brother named Blue. He is a sweet heart very Well Behaved and smart kid. He did every thing for me. I am really feeling sorry about him because I could not buy him Reebok shoes which he demanded this time. Instead I bought him school shoes and a pair of sandal. My stay at home was nice although it was too hot but I love Bhagalpur so much that I overlooked it. Some times or more often I felt like going back to my home town leaving behind all the shits called competition and rat race but Alas!! That race and competition is everywhere these days and that’s the way we all survive and thrive here or there. I still regret about one of my decision which I have not even touched keep aside tried. Though I cam back with some sort of confidence but it almost been one month but I have not ever did it in the past one month. Sad it is though…..

No Lyrics No songs.

No lyrics and No songs!! What if songs are there but nothing I feel. ? What if I have life but lifeless it is? What if I breathe but it is mere breathing? What if I do without doing you? What if this breath stops some day? What if I don’t understand the feelings? What if friends stop considering me? What if you won a jackpot and you are still a pauper? What if I am not me.? What if life is lifeless? What if politicians are my friends? What if this world is an ocean of sin? So many you have it And why not you toil day and night Doing all sundry stuffs of life. And one is to keep your commitment which makes you contended and happy. Happiness is Utopia which would come when I stop breathing. Life is all about the horizons which we want to get into it. Horizons being the ambition and in this pursuit of it we go hay wire About morality and immorality. So from tonight onwards there would not be any lyrics nor be any music Because life is nothing but a void.

Kites and break ups!!

Break ups are like kites which go hay wire any time out of the master's hand . Strange it is but this "So called glorified" Queen kite gets cut in no time and it goes into someone's else hand betraying all the love being shared for a period or more than that. This is just a mere juxtaposition of(about) a girl to a kite. Believe me I never generalize any gender,caste or be it anything which could touch human emotions and stir them to a mighty high because I had also been a victim of this generalization.I really don't know whether I should jot it down all here but had I not written it all I wouldn't have done justice for one and many more who reverberates the same pain like me. Few months back I met that same old friend of mine in a virtual world who stays in "The land of rising Sun" The who orchestrated me from his life. And this friend is very close to me.We became closer in couple of years in our heydays that too in an Utopian place of North Delhi called J.N.U (My Alma Mater).We started our love liaison back to back,I guess in a couple of months we both fell and unfortunately our break-ups were also back to back only. He started off with his love before me and it lasted after mine break up as well. We were quite close until 4 years back from now but as we all know that you cannot please everyone with your move at the same time so he had to move back/away from me and I guess that was a very conscious decision from his side. I felt sad about it time and again but somewhere down the line of so called drawn relationship I felt myself to be chained or more like a handicapped person who was just a mute spectator of so called fate. This all episode really broke me into pieces many times whenever I used to think all about previous days called as"the glorious past" which was rather infamous then glorious past -I would say. But I we still take pride into it. Don't know why neither of us have an answer for it. Almost two years back the same old friend moved his base to the same city where I live in and somehow I was elated to know about this. I didn't remember how we started talking again but it happened and we were happy till one fine night or rather more (almost 1.5 years)we planned for a get together which was rather a kind of "disguise in disguise" but we took it in a more literal way and we were not so aware of the future which was beckoning my friend more than me and I still feel sad for him.Finally they fell for each other after that so called "Blessing in disguise" met. From there own-wards This "Kites and Break ups" story started but I am writing it today as I cannot foresee the future otherwise and I felt it today in the evening when I was talking to him. He is just not close to me. He is more than a friend,he is an ideal for me. I idolize him for so many reasons and I really seek strength from him in many or in every senses.Now he is almost shattered for the past six months. Moreover he stays away and he is all alone. His words still echoes inside me and the pain he is undergoing every day can not be shared. That pain is more than torture. He has lost it all. Never ever before I have seen him so weak and frail. These days he just gulps (Please Google when some one starts gulping too frequently). I just pray to God that may he get his intrinsic quality back because he just posses the quality of being honest,straight forward and crisp. I am really unable to decide about the girl but I am very sure that the girl who he loved must have realized it all if she is a girl of integrity. So I request from all the boys and girls out here "Please don't let this break ups happen and let this kite fly seamlessly."