I tried to die tonight.

I did try dying tonight because life seemed so small to me without any meaning. I was disillusioned with those very people in my life who mattered the most. These days they have changed their  name or just changed their mind. I never try to disturb them at all. I try to seek solace in my own writing and learning new things which I am fond of but this twenty four hours is more than enough for me. I have lived my life to the fullest,I have trusted someone more than the trust,I believed in people more than the belief but I got nothing of that sort. How much good intention I had everytime, I was chucked away and no one was God who could feel inside me.
    My past deceived me and my present is trying to get away from me in some way or the another. 'Trust' itself extracts a lot to loose....'Truth' itself now is an illusion....'Ethics' has mingled with dirt....which 'World' do i seek? I feel disillusioned. I dont know whether that past was my past or the present in which I dwell will not deceive me. I live in the constant fear though preaching people to be positive everytime but this is not the veracity. I feel myself hooked between my own life and others expectation. I am pissed of and every day I die almost more than once. Why it happens when you give everything of yourself to others and that other doesnot feel anything for you and turn you away in every sense without giving it a second thought. I have read that you must trust people to such an extent that you get that real person or you would get the real answer. But what is this hokum all about. Why is this life so cacaphonous than? When nobody wants to understand the truth. What is my fault if I always tell the truth. My life have become meaningless now. I shouldnot be critical and I shouldnot be judgemental for anybody.
                 This is not the first time when I try to kill myself. There have been enough instances before also because I donot have any shelter to live nor I have any place to die. I have just tears with me. I loved something which went away making my mockery and than again with all my efforts I started believing in love,beleiving in someone this time but again it seems to be a mockery in a small sense though. I am here to wait, watch, receive all the misdeeds  and misunderstandings,receiving others tears.
I tried to sleep finally with everything in a single bubble in my mouth though I was little bit happy because I had a feeling that things are changing for better but I was wrong in my thought. I tried to gulp every pain inside me but something stopped me tonight. I donot know why. But I feel that there is nothing with me which can take me a long way. Somehow I stopped myself with that kind of thought. I donot know why. May be I donot want to die or may be I donot want to die alone because I have my own bucket lsit of my life though that bucket list has more than ninety percent of others content but I donot mind as long as I am alive. I will die definitely God but I want to die in small doses and I want to see myself dying in every bits and pieces and my last wish would be to write about my own death when I am dying. I just wish your sincere cooperation with me. Because I feel stranded again because the past deceived me and the present seems to be getting away from my life and I am in no mood to capture it because What is not yours will never be yours as you cannot induce the feelings. So I want to die and witness  my own death. I donot have any idea about this whether it would be sooner or later but I want to see it slowly because I donot want to hang anymore.