Paradoxes of life....

Childhood is one of the best phase of anybody's life.I have experienced it myself and I am experiencing it now and then also whenever I see a small child.Innocenece is the one and only essence of childhood.After this phase passes away life changes drastcally. One has to meet up to their family expectaion when one grows.From there pressure starts building up and gradually one get to know the intricacies of life and in due course of time the one time innocent child has to undergo many changes.Competition,greed,increasing lust(I am not sure about this but as per the philosphers its inbuilt..Like when a child is born he first holds his mother breast),deceit ,unfair means all take the front seat and that innocence fades away in no time.
I reckon this is evryone's story and then the "Rat Race of life" starts and it ends only with the end of life. Juxtaposing this same scenario..I also feel the same for myself and I am running a rat race every time.Insecurity pervades everywhere be it career,relationship or anything and this moment of time I am undergoing the same situation.Sometimes I am so sick of this bloody rat race that sometimes I feel that "Had I always been a child" but Alas..this sounds like UTOPIA. Sometimes you really dont want to do or indulge yourself but temptation takes toll and ultimately you tend to do that particular thing.But above all there is something called "Destiny" which is pre-decided and we ultimately blame it.Right now I am also playing the same blame game.But after some self realisation I feel all my fiasco be it on career front,financial,personal..anything is because of me..I owe all the responsiblities for whatever I am undergoing through. But I have one grudge probably the biggest one(Not so sure whether its biggest one or not) from God and I havenot got any justification until now or may be the justification would have been so subtle that I couldnot realise it(May be because of my drinking habbit.I tend to forget these days).
But every time I fall, I rise again.I will rise again but its taking longer time than usual so probably loosing cool.I am still waiting for that opportune time to come.Because I am not destined for the pain which I m undergoing for quite sometime.I hope God will give his justification for my "Biggest" grudge.